I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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