So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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