Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Its about making memories worth repressing
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
