smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I could fuck to npr.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
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