He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
