I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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