Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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