Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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