I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
