I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
