I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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