nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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