there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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