my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This baby is an asshole
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
