I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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