All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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