You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
