dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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