Im at strip club and am horny
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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