Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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