i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
My feet surprised me
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
