took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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