First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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