Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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