and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize