The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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