Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
