i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
