Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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