ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
