And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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