is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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