If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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