anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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