at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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