My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Found the puke drawer
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
