hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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