I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
