I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
