Your dad touched me again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
