I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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