why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
