my mouth tastes like poor choices
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
