So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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