I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
