Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
