Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize