yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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