I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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