I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize