You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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