Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
