If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
