They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
