Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Drake has all the answers
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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