Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
