beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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