Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
