I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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