Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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