enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
