I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
