I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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