I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
