Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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